Monday, December 31, 2001

Nothing is more fun than sitting in the front window watching Xmas wrapping paper filled garbage bags blow past on a windy day. Everyone have a wonderful last day of a most memorable year.

Friday, December 28, 2001

Since I seem to drive a lot, I've noticed a trend in people who drive small 4 cylinder foreign cars. They seem to feel the need for mufflers that make more noise than their 4 cylinder cars can produce. There is no increase in performance, only in decibels of sound pollution. There is also a need for small blue lights on most of these noisy little cars and it's most annoying to me, as its like having straight pipes on a lawnmower. The wife would never let me do that to her lawnmower.

Friday, December 21, 2001

I am out of here at the end of today until after Christmas. During that time, I will not go near a computer. I want to wish each and everyone a Happy Holiday and I'll be back muttling around on your sites on Thursday. Until then, try to spend your holidays with the ones you love and make you happy, even if it means leaving your family in your house alone.

Wednesday, December 19, 2001

I'm heading to the mall this weekend. I'll be the guy who drives up & down the main thoroughfare at 2 mph looking down the aisles for the primo spot that doesn't exist while you and 40 other cars pull out your hair trying to get around me. Then I'll head inside where I'll stroll through the mall with kids screaming and running loose until I go into the packed clothing store to return the pants I bought Uncle Joe last week that I can't seem to find the receipt for, but insist they weren't on sale. When I leave the mall, the lineup to get out to the main roads will be halted by myself at the advanced green light that I won't notice as I'm going through my purchases while you honk madly from the vehicle behind me. Then I have to stop at the post office and inquire about the postage to three different continents and at least 4 postal codes that I make them lookup every year while asking if these 45 cent stamps are sufficient, totally ignoring the forty seven signs posted stating the postal rates from Canada are 47 cents. After leaving and ignoring the stares from the lineup that snakes into the parking lot, I'll head over to the liquor store to purchase 16 different bottles of imported wines that the store doesn't stock and bitch to the frazzled clerk about the fact that I need them by Monday, even though I waited until Saturday the 22nd to think about it. If you see me, don't forget to wave. Try to use all your fingers when waving, unlike all the other people who say "hi".

Monday, December 17, 2001

I used Blogback awhile ago, and it's letting me use the code again for comments. For how long, I do not know. This week is too busy for me to take the advice of friends and set up dotcomments, so if it goes again, the laughter will stop. Thanks to everyone who helped when I bugged them to get it going.
Thoughts that keep me up at night:

1.) How do blind people know that they're actually walking in a straight line?
2.) Why do professional sports figures earn more than doctors?
3.) How do they get the cheese in the can?
4.) What do you think was the last good "life-altering" invention?
5.) How do the Americans over in Afghanistan know which guys are the Taliban and which guys aren't?

Friday, December 14, 2001

Does anyone else think that Martha Stewart and Bob Villa would make an excellent couple?

This is the type of Christmas card that I send out to family & friends every year. Kinda explains quite a bit huh?

Thursday, December 13, 2001

SnorComments is dead. May it rest in peace. Seems Leo Dillon had about 2 million requests, and his server could'nt handle it. He is working on host-it-yourself version and it will be available soon. It's getting to the point where all of us freeloaders will suffer our fate, or pay to get our sites hosted. It's probably for the better, but I keep hearing a quote from the "Godfather" movie. "Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in."
The light has shone down on me. Angels stated singing. I figured out why guys get married. It's so someone will go to the store and buy Xmas presents and cards, fill out the cards, wrap the gifts, mail the cards, decorate the tree and arraign all the weekends in December so all we (the men) have to do is put on a clean shirt, load the car, and bitch about which football games we're missing by partaking in the festivities.

Wednesday, December 12, 2001

A "little bird" told me that Canadian Tire may be in the process of being sold to an American consortium. Now to most of you who read this from the other side of the border, might not understand that Crappy Tire, or as someone referred to it the other day as "Canuck Truck" has been around almost 80 years. It was started by two brothers from Toronto and has grown to be a Canadian icon. Most Canadians have gotten their first bicycle, roller skates or hockey stick there. Selling it to anyone other than a Canadian is like telling an American that Sears or Macy's has been sold to a Japanese company. Now, this "little bird" could be full of shit, and if you've ever washed your car on a sunny day, you'll know that most of the little birds are.

Tuesday, December 11, 2001

War is a brewing. It all started so innocently when last Thanksgiving there were leftovers. All three family parties were handed turkey, stuffing, gravy, and taters in Tupperware. A couple weeks later, we noticed that we seemed to have a little more Tupperware than we did previously. We didn't think much of it until a few days later when we remembered where it came from. Then we remembered other family functions and dinners where leftovers were carelessly given out with coats at the front door, never to be seen again. Then it started. He with the most non-matching Tupperware wins. We have purple, green, and skin-coloured (can I still call it that?) lids that don't match up with our original 300 piece set. Its' getting to the point where I'm catching my wife trying to come up with excuses to go to her sister's for dinner or to borrow something that has to be put in Tupperware. This Christmas dinner tradition will be fun.

Monday, December 10, 2001

Right now, there's alot of guys named Dave, Todd, Steve, and John walking around the desert wondering why the hell the goverment handed them a hockey stick and tossed them into a plane for Afghanistan. There's also alot of Americans who don't really need them in the way. You can tell our guys by the stuned expressions on their faces.
Things I noticed in the last few days:
-My work is interfering with all the sites I read on a daily basis.
-I never write anything remotely interesting, yet according to a new counter, I get 30+ page views a day.(They must be pissed.)
-We haven't yet had snow, and there's only 14 days left till Xmas.
-Its getting harder and harder to put my socks on in the morning.
-When hair grows back, its really itchy.

I'm so alert these days, that I can see in the dark.

Friday, December 07, 2001

Ding. Its' Friday again, and time for your dose of links.

-Create a Workout Routine.
-Alcohol Warnings
-Tourette Barbie
-Leash Your Girl

Thursday, December 06, 2001

Went to a house party last weekend and noticed something peculiar. Most of the men who were with a date or their wife, seemed to be a little overweight, balding, and dumpy, and most of the single guys who came alone seemed to be thin, tall and dressed immaculately. I'm starting to think that the women in this world seem to have their priorities all messed up.

Wednesday, December 05, 2001

Theres a new restaurant around the corner from our office that just opened. There have been two other restaurants there before and they didn't make it. It's in a location that if you don't know its there or see it before the driveway, you either won't see it or you have to drive about 1/2 a mile before you can turn around and go back. The name of the the restaurant is "The Titanic". I kid you not.

Tuesday, December 04, 2001

Santa and the Mall. Saturday December 1st. What was I thinking? We promised Hayden that we'd go see Santa and like most 3 year olds, he didn't forget. The line didn't seem that bad from the angle we approached. I kinda dashed the last fifty feet pushing my one year old daughter Mackenzie in her stroller, and dragging Hayden with feet flying through the air, figuring I'd get there before the fat lady with 18 kids. As I stood proud with a king-of-the-castle smirk, I checked my watch and noticed it was slightly after 1:00pm. The woman behind me with the 4 year old kid who looked like she dressed herself decided that if she pressed hard against me, the line of stain-faced toddlers would somehow diminish. I then noticed that the line was a little longer than I had thought because of the Christmas trees and fake presents, but I wasn't ready to drag my son kicking and screaming through the mall yelling "I wanna see Santa!" and "You promised!" just yet. I even remembered that the wife had warned me that we were on the "Saturday afternoon errand schedule" and there was no way I'd make it home to watch the Army/Navy game. I'd show her, I thought to myself and probably even get a nap in too. This Santa was a good one. He stopped in-between kids once in a while to wave to all the restless touch-everything kids that were patiently awaiting their two minute lap sit that was every kid's god-given right. As we approached the chain that separated Santa from awaiting kid, Santa got up and whispered in the ear of the 18 year old female elf that Dad secretly wished to find under his tree. Then he walked away. The gasps coming out of those kids mouths, almost made me move two feet back, but the budding elf came and told me that Santa was going to feed his reindeer. As the kids calmed about, and I pictured Santa running to the liqueur store for some "spirits", up walks another Santa. As he approached I realized that it must have been shift change time, for this Santa was a beady-eyed drunken looking guy who seemed a little short and a little too skinny. Thank heavens that the kids didn't even notice and still wanted to jump up and pull his beard. Hayden got up on the new Santa and proceeded to tell the jolly old guy what he wanted as I glanced at my watch and my jaw dropped. It was 2:25pm. I was in no way going to nap, let alone see the game and sauntered off trying to explain why Santa doesn't give Hayden his Rescue Rangers right then and there, and me secretly knowing why that fat bastard wears red.