Thursday, August 30, 2001

A women sits on a bridge contemplating life. Traffic that crosses that bridge gets slowed, causing delays. Irritated drivers that pass and are delayed, and therefore yell obscenities and urge the distraught women to plunge to her death. A couple that won 73.7 million from the Powerball Lottery, now have a lawsuit filed against them claiming that it was bought with co-workers money. In Germany, you can display your body after you die insted of burial or cremation at an exhibition displaying real human corpses. And you have nothing to write about on your site. What a time to be alive.

Wednesday, August 29, 2001

I arrived home from work last night and found a note explaining that the wife and kids have gone to the cottage until Thursday. As I sat in front of the TV watching ESPN and eating pizza (every guys fantasy) and scratching myself, I started thinking about heroes these days. I was trying to think about if you could be anyone on this planet, who would you be? Not just as a hero, but for the fame, wealth & health reasons. Tough question. Would you be a sports figure like Sammy Sosa, Randy Moss or Tiger Woods? Would you rather be a movie star like Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, or Russell Crowe? Would you rather be a Mother Teresa, Gandhi, or Queen Mother type. Think hard about it as it just might reveal the inner you.

Monday, August 27, 2001

Did I ever tell you about my favorite shopping cart? No huh? Well then you're in luck. One day we went shopping at a grocery store about 15 miles away from the stores that we usually frequent. I got a cart from the stack at the front of the store and proceeded to keep up with the wife who likes to power shop. Basically, power grocery shopping is skipping the dogfood and paper product rows and hitting only the rows that you need. No needless looking for us, no sirree. The cart I choose had rubber wheels, and didn't shake or wobble to the left. It had no grocery store flyers, kleenex, or expired coupons in it. It was freshly painted and wasn't all bent like it was hit by a car either. It was a thing of beauty. It coasted down those aisles like the Cadillac commercial with the guy in the back cutting diamonds. It shoulda had a Mercedes logo and hood ornament. I almost cried when we had to empty it and put it back in the pile. I've been back to that store again and never did find that cart.

Friday, August 24, 2001

Since I'm not around to amuse you on weekends:

Spirograph
Who Would You Kill?
Yoga Kitty
Amish Heat

Now go outside!!
Mark said to me that he's going to a wedding tomorrow. He then told me that he is going to have to look for some shoes to wear, and that his suit has to be sent to the cleaners this morning.It then dawned on me the differences between men and women. A couple weeks ago when I was going to a wedding, I didn't worry about what I was going to wear and the condition of my suit. My wife was begging me to see if I had a clean suit and if it fit okay, although I didn't try it on until the day before and hadn't wore it since (most likely) the last wedding we were invited to. I noticed that guys do that. They wait until the day before the wedding or even the day of the wedding to see whether they have anything to wear that's remotely clean. Then we'll possibly shave, shower, shit and get dressed about an hour before the event. Meanwhile, the women have opened the invitation two months previous and ran to the closet to figure out what fits and looks good on them. They will try it on, usually with the invitation still in their hand, or run off to the store to get something new. Then they'll make an appointment for their hair to be done and immediately start some form of diet to try and get into a dress that's two sizes smaller then them in the first place. I won't even get into what goes on with the shoes...

Thursday, August 23, 2001

Yesterday we had the joy of firing one of our courier drivers who had two complaints against him from smelling of alcohol. He was the type of employee who showed up every day on time and never called in sick. He never complained about working late or if it was busy or slow. Didn't matter as we had to let him go anyway. When we talked to him, which is always the fun part, he told us that he only drank beer late in the afternoon to quell his need for harder liquer. Then later he changed it to drinking that 0.5% alcohol beer that you can get in the grocery store (Canada). It got to a point where containing the laughter wasn't easy. This guy is the type of guy who makes Norm from Cheers look like a water drinker. The dispatcher kind of knew he might be into the sauce but was content because he was such a decent employee. Now the question. Was the dispatcher wrong in not ratting him out?

Wednesday, August 22, 2001

This morning I picked up a link from someone (not mentioning any names) and decided to check it out. Well, my god, is this real or some kind of sting operation? Where the hell are this girls parents? If you click on merchandise, you can purchase pictures of this 15 year old girl painting her toes. That to me, is kiddieporn. Why, by the grace of God, would you need pictures of a 15 year old girl painting her toes? What the hell is this world coming to? I have a daughter thats almost one, and I will try and sheild her from this kinda crap, even if it kills me.

Tuesday, August 21, 2001

Monday, August 20, 2001

Bless me mother, for I have sinned. I've had impure thoughts about vanishing. Over the last five years or so, I've had this secret impulse to disappear. Not the swallowing the mad scientists formula and sneaking into the voluptuous leading ladies apartment type of vanishing either, the kind of get up one morning, get ready for work and never be seen again type. Now, before you think that the lazy no-good louse is skipping out on his commitments and kids, you should know that I'd never do it. I love my kids and wife too much to do such a thing. Hell she cuts the grass, for crying out loud. I watched this thing on A&E one time about people who vanish and what they went through setting it all up, and what they did right or wrong to get away with it and always realized how easy it would be. I really don't like my job or have many things tying me down like family, and I can practically do anything for a living as I've had to get by on my own a few times starting with nothing and always managed. I'm not worried about anyone taking this the wrong way either, so don't, I'm just sharing something that I've thought about for a long time, and let the chance pass. I have two kids now and wouldn't survive without seeing them on a daily basis.

Friday, August 17, 2001

Something got me thinking the other day, when I saw this "credit key" that Shell was plugging. Nowadays it seems that wherever you go its getting easier to pay with debitcards, creditcards and creditkeys. They make these gas pumps that you can pay at directly and skip meeting the "friendly" attendant. I noticed that I haven't actually gone into a bank branch for years, because I use the instant teller machine or pay bills through the phone or internet. I started thinking that they soon will have no use for tellers or gas station attendants as everyone starts becoming more and more reliable on a credit and debit cards. Its easier and safer for us not to carry cash (when we actually have any) and probably easier and safer for businesses not to have cash at hand. Pretty soon grocery stores won't need cashiers, as no-one pays cash much anymore and lets face it, when was the last time that person actually bagged your groceries instead of you baggin your own? Makes you think about how many people will be looking for jobs huh?

Thursday, August 16, 2001

Since my life is in boredom mode and I want to keep the dust off this site, I'll give you an exerpt from a Yahoo chat conversation I had with a friend who I don't talk to enough. My status on Yahoo I.M. shows me as: working (call Ripley's).

im_a_wildone: << refuses to call Ripleys.. choosing instead to come kidnap you.. and take you to a far away land.. where munchkins will terrorize you for days .. then I will bring you back to your desk
guruvious: should I wear red pumps?
im_a_wildone: yes and the blue feather boa too will be a nice addition to your ensemble
guruvious: that corardly lion wasn't so shy
guruvious: pretty hairy though
im_a_wildone: what did you do to the lion?
im_a_wildone: ohhhhhhh MAN dont tell me!
im_a_wildone: << covers eyes omgggggggg
im_a_wildone: lol just wanted to say hi silly man.. have to scoot off to an apt at the bank YUCK
guruvious: i got hairs in my mouth
im_a_wildone:ewww
guruvious: (face with tonque sticking out)
im_a_wildone: furball medicine
guruvious: they're gone now
im_a_wildone: LOL byeeeeeeeee silly
Yahoo! Messenger: im_a_wildone's status is now "Off to see the Wizard" (8/16/2001 at 9:58 AM)

**The names stayed the same, as we're not so innocent. (sounds like a Britney song...ewww)

Wednesday, August 15, 2001

3 cheers to Mark, who just removed his Christmas lights yesterday. He called my wife this morning to borrow the grass trimmer as he doesn't have one and since shes cut the grass the last four times, he figured he ask her.

Monday, August 13, 2001

I thought that I'd share an opinion that I have. Most people on the road drive normally and obey the speed limits within 10-15 kilometres per hour, and then theres faster people. They don't seem to bother me if they give me half a second to get out of their way without sitting in the trunk. The ones who really scare the crap outta me are the ones who are oblivious to their surroundings. You know the ones I'm talking about, they don't use their mirrors as its so much easier to spin their heads a complete 180 degrees to see that theres another vehicle beside them, then jerk the wheel to get back into the lane that they're supposed to be in. I've think that I've got a decent solution. Why don't we let the insurance companies test them for about an hour road test and see what class these people would fall under? They could class them in three or four groups: Fast, Average, Oblivious, Dangerous. Then they could charge them accordingly and the rest of us who drive wouldn't have to pay the rates that some of these people deserve to pay.

Friday, August 10, 2001

This woman should be the next to get married.
Happy Friday. On wednesday evening the power went out at our house around 8pm til 11:30pm. This is an exerpt from the conversations in the dark:

Wife: (Lighting 13 of 2,000 candles shes purchased in last year) "Wow, its kinda romantic in here".
Myself: "Call me old fashioned, but I'd rather have the television on".
Myself: "I'm worried about the food in the freezer and fridge".
Wife: "Did you know that as long as you don't open the fridge, the food will be good for 24 hours?"
Myself: "Yeah, but what do you eat for 24 hours?"

It was funnier in the dark.

Thursday, August 09, 2001

This was around awhile ago, but if you have never read it...do so.

Wednesday, August 08, 2001

They make Draft Caddys behind our unit at work. Every Friday afternoon they test them to see if they work, and you'll find Mark and myself out in the parking lot sauntering around looking to be guinea pigs. Some guys have their own coffee mug at work...we have beer steins.
Got a present or a card picked out? Get it ready, cause its Snuffleupagus's birthday on August 19th.
Update on Venting: Mother-in-law comes by this morning and hands me a bag. Inside is my sons toothbrush, toothpaste, and blanket. Now, does she expect me to feel like a shithead for her driving 2 hours in each direction for something she forgot in the first place or to laugh at her for being an idiot? We already bought a replacement toothbrush and borrowed a blanket that is identical from a friend. I'm very tempted to hand her the bill for the toothbrush and toothpaste just to be the asshole that shes trying to make me feel like.

Tuesday, August 07, 2001

Venting time. This weekend we went up north to Mother-in-laws cottage. Wife, daughter (1 yr) and I left on Sunday and decided to leave our 2-1/2 year old son there for an extra day since he had plenty of cousins there and Grandma would bring him home. We noticed that when he came home around 7:30pm, he was missing his blanket. We also realized that he was still in wet clothes from swimming. Good idea to let boy sit in air-conditioned van for 2 hours in wet clothes without being wrapped in blanket, but I let it go. When we went to brush his teeth later that night, we noticed that he had no toothbrush or toothpaste that he took with him. This morning I made a joke to sister-in-law about how they pack while running out the door and whatever they miss, they miss. Later on, mother-in-law lets me know "By the way, Hayden didn't have dinner last night because we ran outta time". I didn't let that go and now I'm the asshole for saying something. How old do you have to be to gain COMMON SENSE?
I've started noticing something different lately, and it might be because I've got kids now. Nowadays you can't go outside without sunscreen and a hat. If you ride a bicycle, you've got to wear a helmut. If you go skateboarding or rollerblading, you need arm and kneepads and if you go boating or swimming, you need a lifejacket. You never see kids hobbling around with casts on their limbs anymore to be signed either...and they wonder why the earth is so overpopulated.
Yesterday was 35 (95) degrees outside, with the Humidex at 39 (102.2). Needless to say, I didn't make my wife cut the grass.

Friday, August 03, 2001

Ummm...yeah. I think that the NRA is about as extreme as this.
Step aside. Guruvious is coming through. Near the end of April of this year, I thought about playing around with a web site. I signed up for a site on Yahoo Geocities because it was free, and could walk away at any time. I called it Stalkers R Us. It was lame, but I learned alot of the basics from it. At the beginning of June, I walked away from the stalker site and started "Short Bus Passenger", which was another Geocities site. It isn't as lame, but its close. Near the end of June, being jealous of "real" sites, I started farting around on Blogger. Now, no-one here at work knows anything about computers and I don't have any friends with sites either. When I can't figure out how HTML code works, or links or anything else I usually abort it. If it gives me two pages of text explaining how, I usually give up about three-quarters down the page. Today I went into the code and screwed around and managed to link some pictures on this site. Now, to most of you, thats no big deal...but to me its the start of something large.

Thursday, August 02, 2001

THE PHONE CALL:

Guruvious: Hello.
Wife: Hello, write this down.
Guruvious: Okay..what.
Wife: Doctor appointment next Wednesday at 5:30pm.
Guruvious:
Wife: You there?
Guruvious: *click*

The least thing I could do is go...I mean, she does cut the grass and all.

Wednesday, August 01, 2001

I'm sorry. There will be nothing interesting here today (as usual) as I'm using all my resources for smackeral today as the guest blogger. This doesn't help either: Sorry, publishing of Blog*Spot blogs is temporarily unavailable while we switch the server. Please try later today!